I've had a lot of things on my mind this past year, things that I've been mostly ignoring / putting off, but I think I've gotten to a point where I feel I need to start alking about it. Maybe just typing it up will help me deal with it better, having everything laid out in front of me.
2014 has been a rough year, and its largely becuase I can't handle stress anymore, at all. I guess its a combination of the hormonal changes that my body has been going through, but I think a lot of it is also stress from work, and coming home being stressed, and it carries over to my social life, and just makes things even worse.
So lets start with work. Work isn't bad most of the time lately, actually. But for awhile, it was. I would freak out and worry over every little thing that was not done or complete, for fear of being yelled at the next day (and yes my manager and his little pet worker do this) and then just making me super emotional for the rest of the work day. I kept pushing my body to way past exhaustion and got everything done. I had a few panic attacks at work a few Sundays ago and I just kind of freaked out because of how busy it was and how little I could get done because of it, fear of being yelled at and crying again >>. I would always get complimented by my boss... but it was killing me physically. It wasn't until my best friend scolded me for continuously doing this, that I slowed down... a little. But I'd still have my moments... of pushing myself. I mostly stopped this now, because my body always hurts. More on that in a little bit.
Last week or maybe it was two weeks ago now... I can't remember, decided to scold me over things that didn't get done the night before... really little things like something not being full enough on the shelves, and he complained that the place looked "horrrible" when it didn't, and I called him out on that, telling him everything was fine and how much he was exagerating (because oh boy, he was exagerating) I felt so confident the night before that that place looked good, because me and my co-worker worked really hard that night, and he shat all over it the morning with the littlest petty shit. I got so frustrated with him that I just decided to be petty myself and walk away >> he even said to me as I was walking away "don't you wanna hear what i have to say" and i simply just said No I don't.... and walked away, and started doing my job. Ever since then, hes treated me with more respect, dunno why, maybe he realized that he always tells me shit like ooh you're the only part timer I can rely on blablabla, so he sholud treat me better. Besides, the ultimate "fuck you" to me was 2 days later, all those things that he complained about not being full enough? They dummied the disaplay up so it can hold LESS, about the amount that was left when I left it that one night he complained.
So yeah, this job is money for now, and it definitely pays my transitions bills. And I'm definitely not going to kill myself worrying about this place, I'm only 27, I have so much more to look forward to then this place, so there isn't any reason for me to get so worked up. My bestie made me realize that. But (hopefully) this fall I will be going to a trade school... for computer technition. I'm really looking forward to that, because thats what I want to do with my self for a career. So it will be nice to have a job that I enjoy! So I am trying to keep my chin up for this , because I know I won't be stuck in that shitty job forever, while my manager will be there for the rest of his life.
Now I mentinoed earlier, that my body always hurts. Yeah it does. I'm constantly fatigued over nothing, walking up a flight of stairs is difficult, my legs ache horribly while I climbm up, I'm left breathless, and my heart beating a million miles a second. My arms, legs, back always hurt and sometimes feel heavy, I have no body heat at all, constnatly get dizzy (Thoguh this symptom could be a side effect of my medicine). Another thing is that my body is always COLD, I have little to no natural body warmth. All of this, my doctor says I proably have anemia, so I'm going to be getting tested for that soon. Its treatable and will be nice to finally be rid of all this, if thats realy what is going on. If its not, well, we'll just find out what it is. I'll get better for sure.
I've lost a few friends this year as well. All of witch me and TIffy chose to boot out of our lives, becuase they were toxic and just creating more stress for me, and Tiffy didn't like that, and neither did I. People that were constnatly demanding things from me, and would yell at me when I just wanted to be left a lone or to be with Tiffy. People that would cling to me and be emotional parasites because they thought I was stronger then I actually am, and dump all their problems on me. I don't want that. I'm happy to help you as a friend, but do not cling to me and use me as your "rock". As well as people who were just generally horrible people, I can think of one most recently who was extremely two faced, but luckliy this person is completley out of my circle.
I think whats the hardest for me right now is how lethargic & lazy I have become. Wether its from the stress I'm under, or whatever is wrong with my body, or maybe even both, I have become incredibly "eh" about everything. I think the best example I can say is that I'm too lethargic to even get up and turn a video game on sometimes. I'll just sit here thiking about playing one, but it doesn't actually get done until like an hour later. My doctor did warn me about this back when I was signing the papers that I acknowledge all of the health risks that come with hormone therepy, that there was a good chance that I would get so comfirtable with the "calmness" that hormones give me, that I could become very lethargic. I guess that happened. Sometimes I'm good at fighting it, and sometimes I'm not. Lately I'm certainly not, but I'm trying to get better with it.
I think the worst thing about this year though, is something I'm really not proud of. I don't do this very often, maybe like once or twice a week, but I started smoking electronic cigarettes. It realy has helped me deal with my stress, but it also goes against everything I used to think. That, "If I'm not in my natural state of mind, I don't want it" mentality... I have been able to avoid addiction with it thankfully, so I do plan to stop.... in fact today I threw out my electronic cigarrette and really hope to not buy another one. It was a huge moment of weakness that made me start doing this, and I don't want to get into what that moment was, but yeah... its something that I was doing once or twice a week.
So many things this year are not right, and it honesetly feelsl ike this year is a shitty sequal to a year that was so great... BUT .... this year is not over, there are still 5 whole months left to turn it around, and I realy want that! I've already thrown out my e cig, have a plan for a better job, and got rid of a lot of toxic people. All thats left is for me to fight off my lethargy, learn how to deal with things better emotionally, and of course, finally obtain that better job. I need to make this year better, and I will. I'm sorry to everyone that I have not made much effort to speak too (and thats a lot of people) but please understand, this change is so much harder then I ever thought it would be, and I'm really trying to get better. I just hit some pretty shitty bumps in the road, that I'm still trying to get past.